My Over The Top Is More Over The Top Than Yours

Who knew that self defense and killing people with your bare hands could be so simple and easy?

From the site (emphasis as in the original) with my snarky comments inserted:

Who Is Captain Chris?

Captain Chris is an unarmed combat instructor for members of the US & UK Special Forces and dozens of military and para-military professionals and mercenaries around the globe.

->But what about the Army of Antarctica?

He is a fomer (sic) military interrogator (trained to extract information from enemy combatants) and has black belts in 5 different martial arts—including karate, judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

->So that's what a military interrogator does? I had no idea.

He is also a US Gold Medal Grappling Champion, Silver Medal Grapplers Quest National Champion, and has 147 trophies and medals in dozensof martial arts and fighting styles.

->His "I love me" wall is da bomb.

However, despite all his martial arts training and awards, several years ago Captain Chris and his wife were attacked in a vicious road-rage incident that left him beaten within an inch of his life.

Broken, humiliated and mad as hell, he realized true self defense has nothing to do with "martial arts"... and martial arts was actually getting people hurt, crippled and even killed on the streets.

->But your were just bragging about black belts in five different martial arts.

Scraping together what little money he had, and calling in every military favor he could find, Captain Chris travelled the world in search of the "perfect" fighting style that would work for anyone—regardless of size, speed or experience.

After several years abroad, and training under everyone from the violent Arabian assassins in Egypt to the last remaining Samurai in Japan, Captain Chris ran into an old, grizzled WW2 vet in Britain and discovered what he was searching for: "Close Combat Training"

->Those violent Egyptian assassins in Arabia don't hold a candle to the violent Arabian assassins in Egypt. But the real selling point for me is Tom Cruise's involvement.

Close Combat Training (CCT) was once used to kill nazis and elite Japanese soldiers during WW2, north Korean communists during the Korean War and to do the CIA's "dirty work" in Vietnam.

->They didn't waste their talents on those regular Japanese soldiers.

However, due to its violating hundreds of international "brutality" agreements, Washington politicians ordered the military to stop teaching it to their soldiers after Vietnam.

->Hundreds of international brutality agreements. Count 'em. There's the Geneva Convention. And...um...gimme a minute.

After 30 years and almost being forgotten altogether, Captain Chris brought this "lost" self defense system to his New York training school.

When word got out that someone in America was actually teaching  CCT again, Captain Chris's small self defense business exploded with new students from every corner of the world—including military soldiers from the Marines, Army Rangers, Navy SEALS, British SAS, DEA Agents, Inner city cops, professional bounty hunters and even trained Private Military Assassins.

To keep up with the demand, Captain Chris was forced to charge these students as much as $14,987.00 per lesson to learn this devastating new fighting system.

->Why $14,987? Because $14,999 was already taken. Maybe it was a government contract and he threw in a $700 hammer for free. Um, somebody explain how higher prices help you keep up with demand.

And then, after the 9-11 terrorist attacks, Chris was approached by a new kind of student: Civilians.

->Captain Chris, teach me how to protect myself against airplanes piloted by insane death-wish martyrs crashing into my family!

Only problem was, outside of the private, "big money" security firms and mercenary outfits backed by goverments (sic) and special interests, nobody else could afford Captain Chris's $14,987.00 fee.

To remedy this situation, Captain Chris created a special DVD set that walks people through the entire CCT system, step-by-step.

->Yes, he's going to provide the same training for the "little money" people. Is it for a low price that's been marked out and replaced with an even lower price? Damn right it is. Are you hooked yet?

And just when you thought it couldn't be any more over the top than it is:

Captain Chris knows that with the explosion of criminal illegal alien gangs allowed to freely roam big cities like LA, Chicago and New York... international terrorists basically invited in by the liberal socialists in Washington... and far left wing politicians in Congress passing laws that empower dangerous criminals and castrate civilians... knowing how to hurt, cripple and even kill someone trying to attack your family is no longer a luxury—it's crucial.

->Castrated civilians? No way. Not me. My wife keeps my nuts safe at home...oh...wait. Regardless, it's crucial that we all know how to hurt, cripple and even kill someone trying to attack your family. He's right. It's definitely no longer a luxury.

Isn't that right, honey?