Towelie's Sage Advice

I had a very relaxing run during lunch today. Puffs of vapor marked every breath as I blithely ambled for four miles. Other than the pure joy of running, the high point was when I was treated to a bald eagle passing overhead while I crossed the Sandifur Bridge. The combination of tall trees, a bird of prey's large wingspan beckoning to me, and a subdued river murmuring beneath me was a spiritual experience that provided a welcome respite banishing city life off into the distance.

So why do I have a TED talk about How to Use a Paper Towel at the beginning of this otherwise empyrean-related post?

I forgot Towelie's advice.

For the third time in 14 years I had to do the dance of the paper towels. If you're not familiar with the dance, let me explain.

 - Do some sort of physical exertion that necessitates a shower at work.
 - Go to take a shower at work.
 - Realize you forgot to bring a towel to work.
 - Dry yourself using the paper towels at work.

Fortunately, I watched this TED talk a couple months ago and I remembered Joe Smith's advice for optimizing your paper towel use. Shake 12 times and fold the towel in half. That technique with one paper towel works great if you're only drying your hands, but in my case I'm dealing with a lot more surface area. Allow me to share some tips for drying your whole body.

Using your hands like squeegees, push the water drops down your arms, down the front of your body, and down your legs. Then shake twelve times. This is just as much a quasi-family as it is a quasi-cerebral blog so don't get carried away with the visuals, okay? You shake your hands and feet. Remember, this is in the interest of science and doing right by the environment. Don't try shaking both your feet at the same time.

Since we're dealing with more than just wet hands, instead of folding the paper towel in half, use two towels layered together so you have a larger surface area at your disposal and you can still take advantage of the interstitial suspension. See? Science.

Where does dancing come in? That's the part where you reach around to dry your back and turn in circles like a puppy chasing its tail as you keep trying to reach that just-out-reach spot you need to get so your shirt doesn't look like it's sweat stuck when you put it back on. Now use your other hand and turn the other way. Consider this a warm down stretch to complement your exercise program.

You might enjoy some musical accompaniment to complete the scene. Maybe Imagine Dragon's "On Top Of The World" or Atmosphere's "Best Day" depending on your mood and perspective. (NSFW potty mouth warning)

Cool, I didn't use the politics tag.